love is vengance, its never free

dead.

nothing has happened but
yet,
every thing has
well changed.

with no purpose,
what so ever.
no meaning and
of course
no cause.

i am falling
like never before
more
than i ever have
before
but there is no way
to prevent this
fatal disease
if i am not even sure
what the symptoms are
let alone the problem is.
so i keep losing it.
it happens to often these days
i am losing all inspiration
and and well
everything
that has ever met anything to me
but
that means even less
to you
than it does to me.
i have never felt this before

death is inside of me.
it is a burning rage
that cant
find a way out
so it will eat its way out
killing me in the process
never quick
but slow and decreasing,
increasingly.
i guess thats how we learn
i guess thats how we strive.
and yet i wonder.
i wonder what exactly
it is
that pushes people away from me.
it hurts
it kills
it repels
it destroys
it falls apart
untill the point
where i refuse to ever fully re-awake.

ME

event changing

okay so i am at this point
where i have felt
like i have wrote this all before
and nothing is changing
so
thus if nothing is changing
how can my life change
no fucking event ever changed it
for the best
never for the worst
just leaveas me in a state of confusion
it makes me weerie
i need to sleep
i need to breathe
and so
another menthol it leaves me to
numb,
the senses
cleanse me
i need it
i feel dirty and
there is no water
only your own disgusting saliva
to leave all this to.
its sad
its pathetic
its me.

the white rabbit is late again.

this free writing
is not only addiction
but a way my words
flow fluintly
that which makes no sense
to your poor little
grangered mind
but i speak
in a manner
that which even i
do not understand
or know.
it is a mystery
when the teacher
sets an apple upon my desk
and begs me
to teach and to preach
my knowledge on the hypnosis
in the human brain
so i stand
and the class falls
it is amazing
with that simple apple
(which symobolizes a world of haterd)
i can control
the world
your world
eveyones
besides the ones i hold dear.
the few i wish
i even had the slightest glimpse
of control over
i cant
because they are so free
it is time for me
to break these chais
and eat this apple.
i was not set here
to live by the rules
or make them
i was put here
on this god forbid planet
to break them
and break you down in the process
you keep screaming
that i dont get it
but really you
will never understand
that without me your life will crumble
and alice will go
right back down that hole
like she belongs
the place she is truly happy
full of drugs and formeldahyde.

for the life of me i can not spell it out with feeling.

well lets talk about this.
you are spinning
and i cant stop laughing
and this memrobilia
of which i cant
even begin to spell
let alone explain.
you are taking the simple things
and making them
into giant peices of photography
with pscyhology and psychic
do not for get telekonisis
because i am a n expert of that
and flying most of this happends
when i am ASLEEP
althogh i lack the dreams
but each movement you make
a fraction of the world explodes
and i can not stop laughing
until we are left on this two by two peice square
scared that if you ever move again
we also will die.
which perhaps
would not be that bad
either way we would be
together
but the fact that
everyone else would be there to
because i party with the devil
and smoke pot out of the pages in the bible.
do not worry i read them after
when all there is left is the roaches.
but if i belived
in god
satan
hell
heaven
i would definetly go to hell
it is funny though because
i am sure
it wouldnt be much differnt then this life
we are living
simountaiously from day to day
with you scared little lives
and i am hopping around
on the one foot
that i feel is all that is left in me
today i am so worn and torn and broken
from this disease
that never seems to ease.
it is all great because
i can pretend that everything bad
that happens to me can happen to emma
and end up in a
psychiatric ward at age seven.
i should have been
i mean hell i told my mother
that i wanted to slit my wrists and hug her
that is really rather humourous
and i would love to be an accomplis to a murder.
but who knows
perhaps i have been
for many years
but my shorouded brain
was captivated and washed over
like you do
with everything
and every one else.
you are hell in the making.

cullinary school of art

i am smoking pot
and my life burns up
in all these emotions
i so want you to read
my life through this
although i have not wrote
in the past two months
but blow jobs happened
with people i liked
and making out happend
when i was high
there was a few points
of intoxication
in there too of which
i passd out
on the toilet but
i will get over that intersting asspect of my life.
but the way i work
is i go from one person
to the other
but i do not know what to do.



umbrellas are built
to fill up oranges
with this juice
made in japan
that you never heard of
and yet it is all so intriguing
to you that the unknown frontier
is uncharted and untouched
like a virgins body
you can not wait to claim it
and touch it
with you mouth
your tounge
your hands
with everything
you want it
and i have no real resist
of not letting you just have it
a few more days
and you will cross these mountains
and you will get
the land for good
full of ideas
and only one person.
it is a giant coloring book
ready to be colored
and i am ready to feel full.

A hot shower and phone sex.

emotional distress fills me
with this remote on my left
and i would like
to change the channel to see
my future
but the fear of dieing kills me.
i keep the remote off limits.
you and i have not talked in months
and out of no where you appear
telling me that every moment
we used to talk you died to tell me you loved me
and the day you did
you said you were drunk.
but finally you say it and tell me the entire tuth
(or what i believe it is)
"I LOVE YOU"
it sends my heart into flames
and fireworks
i can't breathe
batman better save me
so i can kill him slowly
with the truth that i am falling
for someone besides him.
it hurts
this i am aware
but it hurts me not to.
you take a drink
and i will take the hit
with these phone calls and trampolines
that we plan out in our swimming gear in my bath tub
underwater scuba diving
for eachother that we can
just barely reach,
it is lovely
it is epic
it is something i want
but not as much as before
i am not sure how i feel
but i can tell it will be back
the full feeling
where i would risk my life
for yours
and i would never
let go of you
no matter what the consequences.
you are beautiful
when you are with me.

ragdy ann is now improved.. with new baby doll dresses and extensions

okay so new theorys written and old ones lost forgetting the old and in with the neew with theses exceptions of what i thought was lost but now is foind in a way is new i suppose..



let us all forget
what we said yesterday
with flying bumble bees
and my mother crying
because i am
walking on my hands
in the wrong direction
somehting she will always
hate herself for,
never believeing the truth
of yesterday
and the lies to come
because it hurts her baby
in the long run

if it took 14 hours to sleep
and 2 days to wake
i would get farther than
any other person possible
it makes me happy
to know this

in time i will forget
my beautiful free writing poetry
and the idea of true art
perhaps after i am put in socks..
at least that is what i am hoping