What if this wasn't a hypothetical question?

As I reread what I wrote yesterday I make myself sick thinking about how "head over heels" i was for him and still kind of am.

EXTRA EXTRA TO THE END OF talking in the past; present; and hopefully future The end part.... add ons.

Laying in your bed again between your flannel sheets. You are not here but somewhere else. I am laying here with blue jeans, a band tshirt, and a cigarette. The scent of menthol and marijuana fill the room. I just lay there wishing you could keep every promise you ever told me, Saying you would love me forever and we would always be together no matter how far apart.I want to lay here forever between these sheets holding on for dear life. If i could I would never leave that spot.




Jet black hair, long and lanky for a boy; to his chin and yet you can still notice that his ears are gauged with different size piercings and nails.His face like something out of a fairytale; beautiful and poetic with so much pain not told in his story. Yet you are always seen with a smile and so am I when I here your voice, see your face in a picture, or inches from mine. you are so beautiful and yet you once had a fiance and we couldn't be together. I still feel that one day we could be together, but at least he hold me.


part of story not told.. he had a fiance when we met. i helped him through his break up... we stopped talking for about a month.. they dated for about a week during that time... he is now single.. i am now vulnerable




If the dead are kept in Graves and in Vases i would like to be kept in a Sock.
A new one of course though.

New information..... I think most of my time with the right hemisphere of my brain (the artistic side) I took a test today and out of 20 question each were pointed out to be on the right side.... how wonderful.



Let's take a trip
to neverland
and see if we can
pick up
the mad hater
on the way..

smile i am looking at your picure

we
should
keep
the
secrets
of
our
minds,
in
each
others.

talking in the past; present; hopefully future

i once thought i was falling in love with a boy i saw the first day i was there. i was to spend a week at this place and it was day one and i thought i was in love just by the look of him. he was beautiful with gauged ears, a montley crue tshirt, and net gloves. he was beautiful. i had a plan. I was going to do as i did with anyone else i didn't know walk up to them and hug them. it was the second day and it was a night of activities in this so called place. It was about 11:00pm and everyone was running around through shaving cream balloons and chocolate syrup at one another along with giant slip and slides. it was an amazing night me and my friends running around covering are selves in chocolate and stealing peoples shoes. I saw him; i was covered in chocolate, water, grass,and shaving cream and i just waked right up to him in the opposite direction of my friends and simply said " I am about to hug okay?" I hugged him and walked away as nonchalantly as possible. It probably didn't work as well as i hoped but it was still wonderful. I found out the next two days that he was talking to my newer former friends and him and i kept looking at each other during study. He and I started discussing about the third day about how I smoke a lot and where we were it was prohibited. I of course broung Newports anyway. During lunch we snuck out behind the trail and smoked cigarettes. He was not used to Newports he smoked #27's and usually became light headed after smoking menthol but for some reason that week he didn't become light headed once. "I made him not so light headed" I found out he had a fiance and of course i was going to respect that even though how badly i wanted to grab him and kiss him passionately. After that days' long talks about our life and how him and i both grew up in homes full of drugs, alchol, and abuse between our parents. I felt as if i could tell him almost anything which from the month before was a new feeling to me. It was amazing, it was almost as if this part of me was kidnapped and given to him. My ex happened to be at this place i was at also so he and i decided that because some girl also was obsessed with him that every time my ex stared at me he would hold me and the same with her. Not until the end I understood how much this was going to hurt. We started spending most of our time together. I pretty much ditched my friends for him; it wasn't all the time i was still with my friends but i wanted to spend as much time i could spend with him as i could so that's what i did. We became really close and he became close with my friends to. I found out that he also is a juggalo and me being a juggalette was perfect. I somewhat forgot in the end that he has a fiance. Three more days were left and we had to watch performances so we sat next to each other and i became really upset because earlier that day i found out that my ex also supposedly liked him. He was trying to hurt me by taking to him every chance he could. So this boy I was falling in love with confronted him and told him that he needed to stop otherwise there was going to be serious problems. I liked him even more then. So while he was preforming I went to talk to my friend Andy and told him how much i really liked this boy and how i did not want this week to end and i would do anything for him. You see Andy and some of his friends and this motto " what happens here stays here" so he asked the boy about it. Andy came up to me later and said that he couldn't say anything to me about it because this boy wanted to tell me in person. So it was time to leave and I was waking towards where i was assigned to sleep and he comes running across the yard screaming my name so i Tell my friends to go ahead and he look as at me and hugs me. I look at him nd say " I already know there is no need to tell me" He simply says "yes but I want to, I really like you so don't think I don't and I would love to be with you and leaving is going to be the hardest part about this. I am sorry and we need to talk tomorrow" I for some reason choked up and about started crying and I before that night hadn't cried in almost 6 months. I tell him barely "that it is okay and i understand, it's nice to know your girlfriend can trust you, she is lucky" SO he grabs me and hugs me. and he gets called and he has to leave. I go into my bed and I cried for about 2 hours that night. Just because I didn't want to think about leaving. We had a class the next day and fortunately and unfortunately my ex and him were both in this class. I skipped it and said i was feeling ill. he saw me at lunch. It was awkward at first but it was all better after that. My friend Kelsey had been really suicidal at the time and lost it that night. Before that though we had to admit something about ourselves and he admitted himself to me about how scared he was to go back and start dealing drugs and if he didn't how he would have to move because his parents would disown him.her also told me that the night before he came there he almost killed himself he took near 50 vicadin along with alchol and if tiwasn't for him throwing up all of it because of Jack Daniels he would have never met me. Now Kelsey got to the big suicidal thing. there was near 10 people crying about it people who knew just from this week and people who had know her for years like me. he and Andy sat there and held me that whole time. I cried again and he started crying also about his fear of going back. He also never cries. It is rare. I loved that fact that he trusted me enough to crying front of me as with him. Time to leave. THE LAST DAY... we were pretty quiet that day just stayed by each other alto and held hands quiet bit also. It felt nice he admitted to it to. He told me that him and his fiance had not been working out so well and that he wished he would have came there single so he could be there with me. The plan was I was going to go to his grandparents house the next day of which he was staying at at the moment. So we left and he called me the next day. I apologized because my sister couldn't take me now so i wouldn'tee him for who knows how long. he was really upset but didn't admit it until later.

After we left. He started his habits again. Started dealing again. we talked every night for about a month and a half only one duirng that time that he can remember he wasn't fucked up. He told me alot of things that he says he doesn't me and but i know he does because of statistics or at least i hoped he meant them. I still do.

It is a month later i hadn't talked to him in any of that time after i got really drunk and threw up on the phone while talking ot him and passing out. i talked once to him after only for about 10 minutes though. I thought it was my fault he stopped calling, I hated myself.

We talked recently. He just got out of the Drunk Tank, Just got a public intoxication/ resistance of arrest. and still from three days after all of that he still feels sick. I told him about how i was in the hospital because partially of my addictions and he still was the guy i met at camp that though i was better with out it all. I still am in love. I wish I wasn't and yet i love the feeling. I wish he didn't live two hours away. The drive is worth it though. He just need s to straighten out his life.




I wish i could lay in your bed wrapped between your flannel sheets and your arms. The faint smell of nicotine from a cigarette you smoked an hour ago, and the sound of insane clown posse playing from the corner of your room. I would like you to hold me as you did before. I miss you, I miss every thing about you, I have never felt this way.

lip liner and a beret

The president was shot by a goldfish
and everyone mourned
besides the revolusionists
like me.

the carnival freakshow is back

ambition with a nicotine scent.
falling in and out of lust.
cheating
conniving
perhaps just having a good time.
it's okay apparently though.
singing obscenely and rudely is a great passion of mine
although is everything including activities with those two words.
i believe in circles ands flavored candy bars.
taking long showers and longer walks.

we all keep these things inside us
that even we refuse to admit happened
but you know it happened and if your lucky
you are the only one
it sits there and annoys
and aggravates the living hell out of you
if you are lucky though
you get over such things
and forget for a while
only a glimpse every few months
until you forget about it completely
it is still siting in you brain knowing you did something
you are ashamed of.


i am still sleeping
at least inside
i am not feeling i am awake unless
in danger
or risk of doing something extremely new and wanted.
lust what a risk
the one i would love to take
and have chances to
but am afraid of feelings of others
rather than my self.
sleeping in bed for hours
is all i long to do
and it never happens
just laying there in the dark
hours upon hours
with no end
like stating into the abyss
that is until a menthol cigarette is lit
and that even is not to my satisfaction anymore
because of the newest s
tandard rules and regulations
of which i live under.
it is sad i have to live this way.

wishing well to the people without two person bikes built for one.

sleeping on hills of yoga

feeling great and feeling new yet feeling dead and hollow... i am doing what the doctor wishes i wouldnt and what i am glad i am yet disapointment is still within me.

at least i am satified
i can deal with a little disapointment.

daisy type goodbyes

keeping things all the same usually seem sensless and wasteful i mean life changes on its own doesnt it? why dont we just help it. stop; smell the flowers even though you have that itch in you knowing you shouldnt. you havent the time for such childish things any longer. keeping all thoughts in your mouth and your mouth clamped tightly shut. bright colors slowly drift away untill you are simply a shade of mauve white and grey. no livleyness perhaps you did die a little when you moved here perhaps you just grew up completly. i feel bad for you though no one should have to deal with leaving behind all color and though. simply put best by the words of an artist someone who feels and knows colors the way the world sees them as a child keeping that sight is difficult and yet refreshing it is sad most of you has lost it.

we took the train to pittsburg she hugged me and i wished her a sweet goodbye. never said once to many but always wishing ther was no such thing.

a small peice of toxic waste

it is funny how we all keep in one place and not move for hours among the night when there are tons of millions of other people across from you dieing, moving, partying and not giving a fuck in general. those who live under the streets and under the influence i sulite you. but if you live under the influence doesnt that mean you are forming an influence or simply just following it???? of course there are different views on this like typing class and childrens paragraphs.. kept quiet while hiding in the closet or in the attic like anne frank. its funny i actually sometimes wonder what goes on in my head it is all quite realistic surreal and fictional.. fariy tales and yet i do not walk on lilly pads as you do. i do not tiptoe around the man; i stand up and scream WAKE UP BITCHES i am here and living and you will make me fall but i will get back up weather you like it or not. keep trees standing and eliminate HIV/AIDs... stop world hunger, and fix the economy, dictatorships and lets all have world peace.. wait that is to much to ask for i suppose now you will say you take to much for grantid when really you are when you dosn't even realize that there are others besies yourself sufffering and i am sure you know that but really have you ever gone and talked to one of them asked them there story...
Keep it all alive and never forget that when walking we all stare down art our feet.
A small peice of shame.