talking in the past; present; hopefully future

i once thought i was falling in love with a boy i saw the first day i was there. i was to spend a week at this place and it was day one and i thought i was in love just by the look of him. he was beautiful with gauged ears, a montley crue tshirt, and net gloves. he was beautiful. i had a plan. I was going to do as i did with anyone else i didn't know walk up to them and hug them. it was the second day and it was a night of activities in this so called place. It was about 11:00pm and everyone was running around through shaving cream balloons and chocolate syrup at one another along with giant slip and slides. it was an amazing night me and my friends running around covering are selves in chocolate and stealing peoples shoes. I saw him; i was covered in chocolate, water, grass,and shaving cream and i just waked right up to him in the opposite direction of my friends and simply said " I am about to hug okay?" I hugged him and walked away as nonchalantly as possible. It probably didn't work as well as i hoped but it was still wonderful. I found out the next two days that he was talking to my newer former friends and him and i kept looking at each other during study. He and I started discussing about the third day about how I smoke a lot and where we were it was prohibited. I of course broung Newports anyway. During lunch we snuck out behind the trail and smoked cigarettes. He was not used to Newports he smoked #27's and usually became light headed after smoking menthol but for some reason that week he didn't become light headed once. "I made him not so light headed" I found out he had a fiance and of course i was going to respect that even though how badly i wanted to grab him and kiss him passionately. After that days' long talks about our life and how him and i both grew up in homes full of drugs, alchol, and abuse between our parents. I felt as if i could tell him almost anything which from the month before was a new feeling to me. It was amazing, it was almost as if this part of me was kidnapped and given to him. My ex happened to be at this place i was at also so he and i decided that because some girl also was obsessed with him that every time my ex stared at me he would hold me and the same with her. Not until the end I understood how much this was going to hurt. We started spending most of our time together. I pretty much ditched my friends for him; it wasn't all the time i was still with my friends but i wanted to spend as much time i could spend with him as i could so that's what i did. We became really close and he became close with my friends to. I found out that he also is a juggalo and me being a juggalette was perfect. I somewhat forgot in the end that he has a fiance. Three more days were left and we had to watch performances so we sat next to each other and i became really upset because earlier that day i found out that my ex also supposedly liked him. He was trying to hurt me by taking to him every chance he could. So this boy I was falling in love with confronted him and told him that he needed to stop otherwise there was going to be serious problems. I liked him even more then. So while he was preforming I went to talk to my friend Andy and told him how much i really liked this boy and how i did not want this week to end and i would do anything for him. You see Andy and some of his friends and this motto " what happens here stays here" so he asked the boy about it. Andy came up to me later and said that he couldn't say anything to me about it because this boy wanted to tell me in person. So it was time to leave and I was waking towards where i was assigned to sleep and he comes running across the yard screaming my name so i Tell my friends to go ahead and he look as at me and hugs me. I look at him nd say " I already know there is no need to tell me" He simply says "yes but I want to, I really like you so don't think I don't and I would love to be with you and leaving is going to be the hardest part about this. I am sorry and we need to talk tomorrow" I for some reason choked up and about started crying and I before that night hadn't cried in almost 6 months. I tell him barely "that it is okay and i understand, it's nice to know your girlfriend can trust you, she is lucky" SO he grabs me and hugs me. and he gets called and he has to leave. I go into my bed and I cried for about 2 hours that night. Just because I didn't want to think about leaving. We had a class the next day and fortunately and unfortunately my ex and him were both in this class. I skipped it and said i was feeling ill. he saw me at lunch. It was awkward at first but it was all better after that. My friend Kelsey had been really suicidal at the time and lost it that night. Before that though we had to admit something about ourselves and he admitted himself to me about how scared he was to go back and start dealing drugs and if he didn't how he would have to move because his parents would disown him.her also told me that the night before he came there he almost killed himself he took near 50 vicadin along with alchol and if tiwasn't for him throwing up all of it because of Jack Daniels he would have never met me. Now Kelsey got to the big suicidal thing. there was near 10 people crying about it people who knew just from this week and people who had know her for years like me. he and Andy sat there and held me that whole time. I cried again and he started crying also about his fear of going back. He also never cries. It is rare. I loved that fact that he trusted me enough to crying front of me as with him. Time to leave. THE LAST DAY... we were pretty quiet that day just stayed by each other alto and held hands quiet bit also. It felt nice he admitted to it to. He told me that him and his fiance had not been working out so well and that he wished he would have came there single so he could be there with me. The plan was I was going to go to his grandparents house the next day of which he was staying at at the moment. So we left and he called me the next day. I apologized because my sister couldn't take me now so i wouldn'tee him for who knows how long. he was really upset but didn't admit it until later.

After we left. He started his habits again. Started dealing again. we talked every night for about a month and a half only one duirng that time that he can remember he wasn't fucked up. He told me alot of things that he says he doesn't me and but i know he does because of statistics or at least i hoped he meant them. I still do.

It is a month later i hadn't talked to him in any of that time after i got really drunk and threw up on the phone while talking ot him and passing out. i talked once to him after only for about 10 minutes though. I thought it was my fault he stopped calling, I hated myself.

We talked recently. He just got out of the Drunk Tank, Just got a public intoxication/ resistance of arrest. and still from three days after all of that he still feels sick. I told him about how i was in the hospital because partially of my addictions and he still was the guy i met at camp that though i was better with out it all. I still am in love. I wish I wasn't and yet i love the feeling. I wish he didn't live two hours away. The drive is worth it though. He just need s to straighten out his life.




I wish i could lay in your bed wrapped between your flannel sheets and your arms. The faint smell of nicotine from a cigarette you smoked an hour ago, and the sound of insane clown posse playing from the corner of your room. I would like you to hold me as you did before. I miss you, I miss every thing about you, I have never felt this way.